yeah...

I'm honestly not the kind of person that needs constant attention. I don't have a craving to be in the spotlight, or to constantly be the center of attention. But not getting any at all, or at least some recognition, or appreciation of the fact that they are important to you, from the people that are supposed to care, and claim that they love you, stings. I'm not pointing fingers, in fact this goes out to a multitude of people. And I'm not trying to sound whiny, or needy, or anything, this is just a way to vent. It doesn't take much to make me happy. Tell me how much I mean to you every once in a while. Talk to me more often than just when you need something, or want to complain/crab about something I've done. Don't ignore me, or pretend that I'm just a friend, or even worse, nothing at all to you, just because people give you shit about it. I have bad days too, but I'm still there for you. Honestly people, if this is all that hard for you, perhaps I don't mean as much to you as you claim. And wouldn't it be easier to let me know so I'm not trying so damn hard? Oh well.....

ranting, feel free to ignore it, lol

ugh, so this past week has really sucked. I find out that my father may be suffering from the early stages of dementia. Mom has been in and out of the doctor's with a messed up knee from work, and is now staying at the hospital (after scaring the hell out of everyone, thinking she was having a heart attack) for a week or so because she out of nowhere caught pneumonia. so everything in the meantime is being plopped on my lap, with the words "fix it". while working full time, doing sidework, and being completely fucked over by the lovely state of connecticut, at the worst possible time ever, christmas. oh hey, I didn't need my whole paycheck, did I? ugh

dreams

had a dream last night, well this morning really. very short, but seemed so damn real, I could have sworn it actually happened. I woke up, amused that I had dozed off, you laying next to me on the couch, cuddled close, your head on my shoulder. our son was laughing at cartoons not more than a couple feet away. looking down, I saw our newborn daughter laying on my chest, sleepily grab more of my shirt, and fall back asleep. I smiled, a feeling of happiness like I had never felt before. just thought I'd share, was such an amazing dream. And I honestly hope that what I saw was a peek of our future...

an explanation of sorts, take it as you will

I get asked about the design I've chosen for what I want as my first tattoo a lot. Its never easy to explain. And may sound stupid to some. It isn't a memorial for anyone, in fact, it would have no meaning for anyone but me. Its a deeper look into who I am, and to completely explain it, I'd probably sound like an idiot, lol.

Wolves. I hold some sort of fascination with them. Amazing creatures, with a family structure, or "pack" if you will, almost as complex as a human family. But the fact that once they choose their mate, they do so for life. They are completely devoted to their family, and fiercely protective of them. How they work together, their social habits, its all fascinating to me. And in many ways, its me, reduced to my most basic, primal form. Thus, a werewolf. A human being reduced to a primal, albeit, lupine, version of itself. Do I believe in them? Not at all, though I do love me some supernatural stories and myths,  but its a great visual representation of what I'm trying to describe here. And from what I've been told, also describes me in those rare moments when something pushes me over the edge, lol, no, I'm not saying I grow fur and fangs and start howling at the moon. But I do take on a certain, more animalistic nature when someone hurts a member of my family, friends, or anyone else that I care about. I don't know if this makes any sense to any of you, and I honestly don't care if it doesn't, but its the best way I can describe my reasoning, its been more of a gut feeling. I saw the design, and everything clicked, its the very thing I was looking for, no ifs, ands, or buts. Take it or leave it, its what I want

*sad face*

I'm sure this is going to come across as me bitching, but I don't care, deal. I've been there, for as long as I can remember, for everyone I care about. Friends, family, whatever. Whether it was money, a sympathetic ear, shoulder to cry on, even fighting their battles for them when they couldn't handle it. In return, all I've gotten is ignored, used, and in general, just treated like shit. I've bled for some of these people. So at this point, just ready to drop everyone. Be the guy that everyone hates again. Just feel like there is no point in caring anymore, can't handle being pushed to the side anymore. If you're a true friend reading this, I'm sorry, this doesn't apply to you, you won't see a change, I'll be the same warm, caring individual you know, to all others, fuck off. That will be all :)

hmm

so according to this, a whopping 2 out 7 posts have been read, once. lol, oh well, can't say I didn't try...

dreams...

so I had two dreams last night. the first, was amusing, had its action and scary moments. For some odd reason, it had zombies. It could have been a damn movie, lol. But a lot of friends were in it. People that live all over the world. My girlfriend was there. So were other people, I recognized, I know that I've talked to, but couldn't place a name. We were all bloody, exhausted, sore, a few bumps and scrapes, but nothing major. The jokes were flying back and forth as we pummeled the undead. We won, nobody died, it all worked out great.
     Then I woke up. Used the bathroom, and fell back asleep. I had another dream, short, but sweet. Not much in the way of dialogue. She was finally here. It was all very emotional, just opened the door, and there she was. We held each other for a long time, a tear in both of our eyes. Walked over to the bed, kissed, and cuddled until we both fell asleep. It was an amazing dream, and yet felt so incredibly real. So real, that I woke in that position, and my arms in the same position that I had been holding her in. It was so real, that I was actually confused, wondering where she went, actually taking a moment to look. Then, as it always does, reality cocked its arm back, and let lose, hitting my face with the force of a wrecking ball. She isn't here yet, it was a dream. But at least I still have that to look forward to when she finally does get here ;)