There was a time, not long ago, where I guess you could say I didn't feel. Without going into details, I'll just leave it as I was betrayed. Yes, it hurt, for a while, I can't say exactly how long it did before I went from hurt and bleeding, to just numb. I had no desire, no interest, in anyone. I was single for about 2.5 to 3 years. I just didn't care, I had friends and family, that was all that mattered. Towards the end of that period of time, watching friends date, get married, have families of their own, I started to feel something was missing. I started to long for that feeling, longing to feel loved. So I decided to try again. Finding someone that wanted to date didn't take long. She asked me first. It was a disaster. I was miserable. We were always fighting, over the most impossibly stupid shit. I wasn't sure if the problem was me. So I tried harder, and made it last around 9 months before I got fed up with it. A few months prior to the last fight, you came into the picture. Just as I was thinking of giving up on everything in general. I don't know what made me ask that first question. I didn't know you at all, and yet, something drew me to you. We quickly became friends, both of us helping each other when we were down, having fun talking when we weren't. You were amazing, like a breath of fresh air after suffocating for so long. I started growing feelings for you, and then feelings growing into something more. To learn that you felt the same way left me awestruck. I don't know what forces brought us together, but I can never express enough gratitude that they have. DJ coming into the picture has only compounded that fact. From the moment you told me, I don't know how, but there wasn't a question, wasn't a doubt in my mind, I knew I wanted to be his dad. Soon to be 2 years now, my feelings have never wavered, never doubted us. I think the distance, even with the fact that we haven't actually met in person, has only served to make our bond stronger. I love you. I wish there were stronger words to express my feelings toward you. I have never been so happy with anyone in my life. I'm not going to lie, I have moments that I'm scared to death that I'm going to lose you, moments where I dread messing up. But I think this is normal? I can't say why, but all this has been on my mind all day. It has made me realize that I'm a changed man. No longer the dreary, dark guy, that wouldn't let anyone get close. Now the smiling, happy individual. No longer scared of making friends, and having a much brighter outlook on life in general. There are so many things that have changed about me, things that I've changed, and some that you have. I don't think that its possible to love someone as much as I love you. The real me is back. I have a reason to be again. A reason to live. A reason to meet the world head on.
And that amazing, simple, yet complicated reason, boils down to one thing. My reason is you. I love you baby!!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Thursday, August 11, 2011
20 random facts about me
1. I'm shy, I don't talk much until I really get to know you, or unless you start the convo. If I did start it, congrats, means I found you interesting enough to crawl out of my shell
2. I've been used and abused, a lot. I no longer try to help people, I'm not being mean about it, just had to many people take advantage of the fact that I'm a nice guy. So consequently, they've ruined it for everyone else.
3. There are very few people that I trust
4. I'm not a pessimist, nor am I an optimist. I am a realist. This does not mean I have no hope, or that I don't believe things I want to happen will, I'm just cautious about it.
5. I'm a listener. I like helping people solve their problems. Not to sound selfish, but it makes me feel good. Like I'm worth something, if that makes any sense
6. On the reverse, I tend to say nothing about my issues. If I do happen to mention one, blowing me off, or sounding like you don't care, will make me shut up about it, and I will never approach you with one again.
7. You won't be able to tell if something is bothering me unless I let you, or if you see something I wrote online. If I let you get close enough, you may be able to tell by reading my eyes. That's it. I'm always smiling, always seem to be in a good mood. I usually am, there isn't much that I let get to me, but there are times when all that is, is a mask.
8. I enjoy feeling loved, it gets me through the day. If I'm the only one showing affection, or if I'm being "hidden", I start to lose that feeling.
9. I'm proud to be a friend, lover, or family member. I don't hide the fact that I am from anyone. If people give me shit for it, then they aren't worth talking to. I'm not going to hide it just to make my life easier. If you are any of those to me, then I'm happy you are, not ashamed, why act like I am and hide that fact?
10. I've been several kinds of a person. The fun guy that everyone wants to hang out with. The dark mysterious guy. The angry, violent guy that everyone is afraid of. The show-off that everyone hates, or tries to be best friends with. The sullen individual that just can't seem to find the sun. I think I'm happier as I am now, a combination of all of the above.
11. I over think things.
12. I want, more than anything, to be a good husband and father. Its been my dream since I was a child
13. I usually have a pretty sunny disposition. But not the annoying, "too bright and cheerful" one
14. I'm a "tinkerer" I like working on things, cars in particular, though there are times that they frustrate the hell out of me. I love building things, fixing things, making things better.
15. I love art. Drawing, carving, molding, painting, all of it
16. That being said, I am my own worst critic. I will start something over, and over again, until it meets with my approval. But yet, I will be your best supporter, cheering you on, saying how great whatever you are working on is. Not because I'm just trying to make you feel good about it, but because I actually think it is.
17. I am a bookworm of the worst sort. I read extraordinarily quickly, and if its good, will read it over again. But I can read, and get so into it, that I block everything else out. Maybe that's why I enjoy it so much, I couldn't say.
18. The one that I love is the most important thing in my life to me. I talk about her a lot. If you don't like it, you can fuck off, I don't care. You are welcome to your opinion, just don't be an ass about it. I'm not going to hide the fact, or cover it up, just because you don't approve. Giving me shit isn't going to change the fact.
19. On the same level, we have an absolutely adorable son. I'm just as proud to consider myself his father, I love him. I'm much more protective of that fact. He and his mother are the two most amazing people I've ever had in my life. I'd rather die than lose that, I'd be lost without them.
20. Movies and music are 2 things that I spend a lot of time on. I have more movies than most people, and music is very calming to me, nine times out of ten, if I'm not at work, one of those 2 things are some how involved in whatever it is that I'm doing
2. I've been used and abused, a lot. I no longer try to help people, I'm not being mean about it, just had to many people take advantage of the fact that I'm a nice guy. So consequently, they've ruined it for everyone else.
3. There are very few people that I trust
4. I'm not a pessimist, nor am I an optimist. I am a realist. This does not mean I have no hope, or that I don't believe things I want to happen will, I'm just cautious about it.
5. I'm a listener. I like helping people solve their problems. Not to sound selfish, but it makes me feel good. Like I'm worth something, if that makes any sense
6. On the reverse, I tend to say nothing about my issues. If I do happen to mention one, blowing me off, or sounding like you don't care, will make me shut up about it, and I will never approach you with one again.
7. You won't be able to tell if something is bothering me unless I let you, or if you see something I wrote online. If I let you get close enough, you may be able to tell by reading my eyes. That's it. I'm always smiling, always seem to be in a good mood. I usually am, there isn't much that I let get to me, but there are times when all that is, is a mask.
8. I enjoy feeling loved, it gets me through the day. If I'm the only one showing affection, or if I'm being "hidden", I start to lose that feeling.
9. I'm proud to be a friend, lover, or family member. I don't hide the fact that I am from anyone. If people give me shit for it, then they aren't worth talking to. I'm not going to hide it just to make my life easier. If you are any of those to me, then I'm happy you are, not ashamed, why act like I am and hide that fact?
10. I've been several kinds of a person. The fun guy that everyone wants to hang out with. The dark mysterious guy. The angry, violent guy that everyone is afraid of. The show-off that everyone hates, or tries to be best friends with. The sullen individual that just can't seem to find the sun. I think I'm happier as I am now, a combination of all of the above.
11. I over think things.
12. I want, more than anything, to be a good husband and father. Its been my dream since I was a child
13. I usually have a pretty sunny disposition. But not the annoying, "too bright and cheerful" one
14. I'm a "tinkerer" I like working on things, cars in particular, though there are times that they frustrate the hell out of me. I love building things, fixing things, making things better.
15. I love art. Drawing, carving, molding, painting, all of it
16. That being said, I am my own worst critic. I will start something over, and over again, until it meets with my approval. But yet, I will be your best supporter, cheering you on, saying how great whatever you are working on is. Not because I'm just trying to make you feel good about it, but because I actually think it is.
17. I am a bookworm of the worst sort. I read extraordinarily quickly, and if its good, will read it over again. But I can read, and get so into it, that I block everything else out. Maybe that's why I enjoy it so much, I couldn't say.
18. The one that I love is the most important thing in my life to me. I talk about her a lot. If you don't like it, you can fuck off, I don't care. You are welcome to your opinion, just don't be an ass about it. I'm not going to hide the fact, or cover it up, just because you don't approve. Giving me shit isn't going to change the fact.
19. On the same level, we have an absolutely adorable son. I'm just as proud to consider myself his father, I love him. I'm much more protective of that fact. He and his mother are the two most amazing people I've ever had in my life. I'd rather die than lose that, I'd be lost without them.
20. Movies and music are 2 things that I spend a lot of time on. I have more movies than most people, and music is very calming to me, nine times out of ten, if I'm not at work, one of those 2 things are some how involved in whatever it is that I'm doing
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